A Little Friendly Advice
If you're going to the Happiest Place On Earth (c), here are some tips..
by Deb Peraya
When picking a
preschool, find one that is not along a route
prominently featuring a Disneyland poster. Shutting
up your pestering 4 year old’s ceaseless “when can we
go to Disneyland?” with the vague promise “maybe when
you’re six” might seem far enough in the distant
future that they will have forgotten. Trust me, they
are like elephants.
Having cost out therapy vs. plane tickets, you will find yourself a proud Disney vacationee. Forget all those online Disney advice forums. Here’s the real skinny of what you can expect.
Day One: After spending over $2000 to get your family to the Happiest Place on Earth ™, your child will fight you to be able to stay in the tiny, non-descript hotel pool. You will find yourself begging her to return to Disneyland for the evening fun. Pleads will turn to stern commands and eventually to threats of “you’re going back to that Goddamn place to have fun if I have to drag you there myself.” The child may still win, California child welfare laws being what they are.
Day Two: When every meteorological predictor has assured you that the weather will be warm yet mild, be prepared for record breaking heat waves and $1300 in bottled water costs that you never budgeted for. The light crowds that were supposed to accompany above balmy weather, will actually mean standing in a 90 minute line up at 8am on a Sunday morning to stuff your butt into the “revamped” submarine ride, combining original 1950’s animatronics with clips from Finding Nemo, a movie that you will have seen 4,037 times. No. You will never get that time back.
Day Three: While waiting to meet Mickey, do not fall for Minnie’s invitation to cast your wish into her wishing well. When you call out “I wish for a job to pay for this madness”, hearing Minnie trill back “Wishes Are Wonderful Things” is as heartening as asking a Magic 8-ball if you should jump.
Day Four: If you must take your child to the princess breakfast, or any type of meet and greet featuring these plastic Barbie dolls (one of whom actually spelled her name wrong when autographing child’s book) – leave your husband at Space Mountain.
Day Three: Your marriage will be on the rocks. On the plus side, now that you’re a single parent, the trip you’ve promised when they’re 9 is going to cost a lot less.
Having cost out therapy vs. plane tickets, you will find yourself a proud Disney vacationee. Forget all those online Disney advice forums. Here’s the real skinny of what you can expect.
Day One: After spending over $2000 to get your family to the Happiest Place on Earth ™, your child will fight you to be able to stay in the tiny, non-descript hotel pool. You will find yourself begging her to return to Disneyland for the evening fun. Pleads will turn to stern commands and eventually to threats of “you’re going back to that Goddamn place to have fun if I have to drag you there myself.” The child may still win, California child welfare laws being what they are.
Day Two: When every meteorological predictor has assured you that the weather will be warm yet mild, be prepared for record breaking heat waves and $1300 in bottled water costs that you never budgeted for. The light crowds that were supposed to accompany above balmy weather, will actually mean standing in a 90 minute line up at 8am on a Sunday morning to stuff your butt into the “revamped” submarine ride, combining original 1950’s animatronics with clips from Finding Nemo, a movie that you will have seen 4,037 times. No. You will never get that time back.
Day Three: While waiting to meet Mickey, do not fall for Minnie’s invitation to cast your wish into her wishing well. When you call out “I wish for a job to pay for this madness”, hearing Minnie trill back “Wishes Are Wonderful Things” is as heartening as asking a Magic 8-ball if you should jump.
Day Four: If you must take your child to the princess breakfast, or any type of meet and greet featuring these plastic Barbie dolls (one of whom actually spelled her name wrong when autographing child’s book) – leave your husband at Space Mountain.
Day Three: Your marriage will be on the rocks. On the plus side, now that you’re a single parent, the trip you’ve promised when they’re 9 is going to cost a lot less.