10 Things I Hate About September
10
A guest blog
By Karan Shaner
Back before I had kids, I really didn't notice a stark contrast between seasons. There were, of course, some subtle differences. Sometimes in the early fall things were a wee bit busier at work and the leaves were a different colour. In the period between Remembrance Day and Christmas time I would join in with the chorus of those remarking on how "busy" it was, but really, it wasn't like I couldn't - or didn't - handle a few more cocktail parties with relative ease.
My house was clean. I went to the gym whenever I wanted and there was neither a gerbil living in my bathtub, nor a brainless budgie making annoying noises and picking paint off the windowsill.
Life was relatively easy.
Then Daniel came along, and then Janet. We were busier and there was more laundry, but I could keep up. Our schedule was regular and balanced, regardless of the season. In conversations with people who were lamenting about the challenges of balancing hockey, soccer, skating and dance, as well as school concerts, music lessons, vacations and jobs, I smiled and nodded, secretly anticipated how much fun it was going to be hanging out at the arenas and dance studios in between work and home. I imagined myself being one of those smiling, patient moms, arriving at the soccer pitch fresh from work, looking as crisp and fresh as I did at 8:30 that morning, with a smiling, eager, fed child in tow.
Ah yes! I couldn't wait. . .
Now my kids are 9 and 7 and all I have to say is that I f***king hate September, and pretty well every other month until June, and here's why:
The Somber Spectre of 10 Months of School
Lunches:
1 Making lunch sucks.
By seven at night, my brain is mush from work and I am in no shape to come up with an exciting and nutritious lunch that my kids will actually eat. Adding to the pressure is the thought that the teacher, other kids and the parent volunteers supervising the lunchroom will see the inadequate repast that I have packed and my status as a complete failure as a mother will be reconfirmed for all.
2 "Meet the Teacher Night" at School: Truth be told, I love meeting my kids' teachers. What I hate is that one parent who monopolizes the twenty precious minutes allotted to each teacher. They start describing son's/daughter's particular "learning style," snack schedule, and play preferences. It the the student is particularly unlucky he's been dragged along and has to witness the whole conversation. I want these people banned from attending these things, or, at the very least, gagged with duct tape during the teacher's presentation.
3 Activity Registration: Just when I'm feeling flush . . . Music lessons, skating, and soccer come along. It all has a cost and we go from riches to rags in about four days. This doesn't even include the equipment. The irony is that by the time we get all of these activities scheduled, we have about one free night a week, so we are actually paying for increased stress in our quest to raise healthy, well-rounded children.
4 Fall Viruses: Kids get sick. Unfortunately many parents, like me, can ill-afford to take time off. On the two occasions when I decided that I simply had to attend a meeting, lest the Earth open and swallow me, I gave Daniel Advil (it lasts eight hours) and sent him to school even though he said he "really felt sick". Both times, he wound up in the hospital with pneumonia.
5 At-School Activities: For some reason, during the second week, our school has a "Terry Fox" run event to which parents are invited. I hate this. Last year I begged an hour off work to help out with the "coffee break" portion. I was told that I was the only parent who did not come for the entire afternoon. When I did go back to the office, I had to leave two crying children in the school yard because that "everyone else" was going home with their parents. En route to my office I ignored my cell phone as I figured it was just the kids calling to beg me to come back and get them. It rang again and I answered it, ready to give my kids a blast about how mommy works so that they can live in a house and eat food etc. It was Daniel's teacher, calling to tell me that Daniel had had some kind of allergic reaction and that I needed to go and pick him up.
6 Laundry: In the summer, the kids wear their bathing suits and maybe a tee shirt. Now they need clean sock and underwear five days per week.
7 Bedtimes: In summer kids can stay up later. In September the exhausting bedtime battle, with enforcing and the inevitable whining (apparently it is unreasonable to request a bedtime before 9:00 pm) begins. I hate this.
8 The State of My House: If cleanliness is next to godliness, I live beside Satan. As work and schedules get busier, something has to give. My house is a disaster. I cannot keep up. I want to pick up everything that is strewn about the house and just have a big bonfire. And I want the gerbil to die. It stinks and according to all of the books, it should have been dead a year ago.
9 Dinner: To accommodate our hectic school-year schedule, I bought a slow cooker last year. The kids insist most things that come out are poison. I figure that the kids and Arnold should thank their lucky stars that I bought a slow cooker instead of a year's supply of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup and 500 lbs. of pork chops.
10 The Head Lice Note: Mid-September, every year, without fail, we get a note home from the school to notify us that "someone in your child's class has head lice". My heart sinks as I contemplate telling the kids that even though there are dozens of horrible little critters living in their hair, they are not dirty. (Yeah - I would have bought that one from my mom!) I stay home and work, thanks to the internet, but also take time to go through the class list, trying to identify "Patient Zero" so I can at least resent their parents for being an even bigger failure than I am.
Yeah - I hate September.
For more from Karan go to www.failedmommy.com