Safety Sue Talks About Summer
Don't Go Outside: It's Just Too Dangerous
by Deb Williams
Safety
Sue #4
“No
Time
to
be
Out
of
Doors”
We
all
know
that
summer
is
the
worst
of
all
seasons:
Walking
+
Park =
Lyme
Disease
Bug
bites +
neighbour’s
wading
pool =
Impetago
Pic +
nic =
a
steaming
batch
of
botchalism (not
that
kind
that
makes
your
forehead
wrinkle
free)
But
what
about
swim
lessons,
Sue?
What
for?
So
if
they
head
overboard
they’ll
just
last
longer?
We
all
know
that
whether
your
cub
flunked
out
of
baby
bubbles
2,
or
competes
for
the
State
Orcas,
swimming
is
horrifically
dangerous,
and
drowning
alone
in
the
frigid
water
is
the
least
of
your
Mama
Bear
worries.
Fecal
Coliform
is
hard
to
spell
but
easy
to
swallow.
A
few
minutes
at
the
sunny
shore
with
Mr.
E.
Coli,
will
have
you
refereeing
the
Diarrhea
Dash
team
from
Solstice
to
September.
But
Sue,
what
about
dry
land
activities?
Camping
in
the
pristine
North
American
Wilderness
means
certain
sprains,
breaks,
contusions,
blood
and
plenty
of
pussie
scabs.
Come
prepared
with
an
additional
cart
to
heave
along
the
plaster,
fiberglass,
sootchers,
antibiotics
and
newly
befriended
physician
and
family.
And
sorry
to
pop
your
bubble.
These
precautions
are
not
going
to
guard
against
most
eventualities.
Getting
irreversibly
lost,
personally
meeting
the
nutritional
needs
of
carnivorous
animals,
and
plunging
from
vista
points
into
bottomless
caverns,
are
just
a
sample
of
the
situations
you
are
bound
to
encounter.
If
you
are
willing
to
risk
your
family’s
genetic
future
to
these
scenarios,
Sue
say’s
“its
best
that
your
family
is
jumping
out
of
the
gene
pool.”
Next
time
Safety
sue
Says
“Autumn
always
arrives
in
an
automobile”
Don’t
let
the
smelly
teens
in
the
carpool
drive
you
around
the
bend.
Easy
household
tips
for
keeping
even
uncooperative
youth
restrained
and
bruise-free.