Yoga Mom
When You Just Can't Find Your Zen
by Stacey Kaser
Just trying to be, you
know, in touch with my feelings.
It has been a journey. In the earlier decades of my life, there were only two or three emotions that I could recognize: competitiveness, lust, and cravings for alcohol. Sticklers for detail might point out that those aren’t actually emotions, but hey, at least I was feeling something.
Anyhow... I digress. The point is, I have been doing yoga for a few years now and I think it has made me calmer, more patient, and less judgmental -- especially as a mother. For example, the other day I was trying to fix our computer. In our home we have something called “wireless” internet, and our several “devices” are hooked into a “network”. I wonder sometimes if those invisible internet rays that cascade through my house might be cooking me and the children from the inside out, like they do in microwaves... but it’s worth it if it means I can carry the laptop to the kitchen and check out vacation homes in countries I can’t afford to visit or look for good deals on Salvadore Feragamo shoes on eBay.
Anyhow, I was trying to extend the range of this wireless - the better to cook us all, my dear. Instantly, my connection to the internet was lost.... and with it the ability to check out what the problem was, since the “help” function is, of course, attached to the web. But the Buddha taught that all unhappiness springs from attachment, and so I was trying to just be with the space of being unattached while I feverishly worked at being re-attached.
Unfortunately, my 13 year old
daughter isn’t used to being unattached (or
just being). She stormed into my office and,
when she learned that Internet connection was
gone she realized that her social umbilical cord
was severed along with all hope
of using MSN, gmail, hotmail, messaging,
or illegally downloading copyrighted
music for the forseeable future. Faced with
that, she completely lost her mind and began
screaming “I told you not to do that.”
Well, what is a yoga mom to do?
On the one hand, I was totally FRUSTRATED (and believe me, I don’t use caps lightly). I was also incredibly offended that this impudent little whelp, who only has a damned computer because I gave her one, and, come to think of it, only has a life because I gave her one, actually had the gall to try and tell me what to buy or install or consume in my own home.
I
know this is not enlightened thinking, dear
reader. Yoga has taught me that I have to accept
all my emotions, non-judgmentally. Because I can
learn. The universe is offering up these
moments, these experiences, for a reason. So I
accepted my anger, and I accepted my daughter’s
anger. I calmly remembered that I am
middle-aged and have benefited from years of
experience while she is young and does not
yet understand that human beings are
capable of functioning in a social capacity
without electronic devices. And If she'd
been a bit calmer we might have been
able to talk about that.
But she was not. She is a newly-minted, hormonal teenager and she was screaming.
I've heard the stories. There are other mothers in my yoga class and we have shared. I know that teenagers who are not given proper guidance and boundaries can lead their families down a long and tragic path littered with grief, despair, late nights, and emergency visits to plastic surgeons after unfortunate and forbidden tattoo episodes. And that is a road I do not want to travel.
I knew my daughter needed to learn that screaming at her mother is not acceptable behaviour, and I knew I should express this clearly and quickly, lest the Teachable Moment be lost. But by now she wasn't just in a bad frame of mind, she’d left her mind, ripped down the frame, smashed the glass, and bent the brackets into twisted fragments. If I spoke, she would not hear. I was stymied.
I
slipped into what they call in yoga, ‘Tree
Pose.” From a standing position, you raise one
foot, bed your knee, and slide your foot up the
side of your leg. It is a position that is
supposed to lead one to balance, stability, and
a sense of drawing strength from the
earth. I took several deep breaths
and drew on my Earth Energy. Ordinarily
Tree Pose is done with the hands folded together
in prayer position. But, following my feelings,
I tried a variation. With my left foot held up,
I slipped my arm down... down! on to my left
foot. I took off the shoe I was wearing, and
WANG!
I threw it at her. I just wanted to express my feelings in a really clear and straightforward way, without trying to make her feel undermined or having her sense that I didn’t value her as a human being. And even though I aimed a few feet to the left of her head (the shoe hit the wall with a very satisfying thump) I think she understood the message. She left the room, and I went back to my computer nightmare.
Later that evening, she came to me, unbidden, and apologized.
I noticed she checked to see if I was wearing shoes first.
Namaste.
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It has been a journey. In the earlier decades of my life, there were only two or three emotions that I could recognize: competitiveness, lust, and cravings for alcohol. Sticklers for detail might point out that those aren’t actually emotions, but hey, at least I was feeling something.
Anyhow... I digress. The point is, I have been doing yoga for a few years now and I think it has made me calmer, more patient, and less judgmental -- especially as a mother. For example, the other day I was trying to fix our computer. In our home we have something called “wireless” internet, and our several “devices” are hooked into a “network”. I wonder sometimes if those invisible internet rays that cascade through my house might be cooking me and the children from the inside out, like they do in microwaves... but it’s worth it if it means I can carry the laptop to the kitchen and check out vacation homes in countries I can’t afford to visit or look for good deals on Salvadore Feragamo shoes on eBay.
Anyhow, I was trying to extend the range of this wireless - the better to cook us all, my dear. Instantly, my connection to the internet was lost.... and with it the ability to check out what the problem was, since the “help” function is, of course, attached to the web. But the Buddha taught that all unhappiness springs from attachment, and so I was trying to just be with the space of being unattached while I feverishly worked at being re-attached.
Unfortunately, my 13 year old
daughter isn’t used to being unattached (or
just being). She stormed into my office and,
when she learned that Internet connection was
gone she realized that her social umbilical cord
was severed along with all hope
of using MSN, gmail, hotmail, messaging,
or illegally downloading copyrighted
music for the forseeable future. Faced with
that, she completely lost her mind and began
screaming “I told you not to do that.”
Well, what is a yoga mom to do?
On the one hand, I was totally FRUSTRATED (and believe me, I don’t use caps lightly). I was also incredibly offended that this impudent little whelp, who only has a damned computer because I gave her one, and, come to think of it, only has a life because I gave her one, actually had the gall to try and tell me what to buy or install or consume in my own home.
I
know this is not enlightened thinking, dear
reader. Yoga has taught me that I have to accept
all my emotions, non-judgmentally. Because I can
learn. The universe is offering up these
moments, these experiences, for a reason. So I
accepted my anger, and I accepted my daughter’s
anger. I calmly remembered that I am
middle-aged and have benefited from years of
experience while she is young and does not
yet understand that human beings are
capable of functioning in a social capacity
without electronic devices. And If she'd
been a bit calmer we might have been
able to talk about that.
But she was not. She is a newly-minted, hormonal teenager and she was screaming.
I've heard the stories. There are other mothers in my yoga class and we have shared. I know that teenagers who are not given proper guidance and boundaries can lead their families down a long and tragic path littered with grief, despair, late nights, and emergency visits to plastic surgeons after unfortunate and forbidden tattoo episodes. And that is a road I do not want to travel.
I knew my daughter needed to learn that screaming at her mother is not acceptable behaviour, and I knew I should express this clearly and quickly, lest the Teachable Moment be lost. But by now she wasn't just in a bad frame of mind, she’d left her mind, ripped down the frame, smashed the glass, and bent the brackets into twisted fragments. If I spoke, she would not hear. I was stymied.
I
slipped into what they call in yoga, ‘Tree
Pose.” From a standing position, you raise one
foot, bed your knee, and slide your foot up the
side of your leg. It is a position that is
supposed to lead one to balance, stability, and
a sense of drawing strength from the
earth. I took several deep breaths
and drew on my Earth Energy. Ordinarily
Tree Pose is done with the hands folded together
in prayer position. But, following my feelings,
I tried a variation. With my left foot held up,
I slipped my arm down... down! on to my left
foot. I took off the shoe I was wearing, and
WANG!
I threw it at her. I just wanted to express my feelings in a really clear and straightforward way, without trying to make her feel undermined or having her sense that I didn’t value her as a human being. And even though I aimed a few feet to the left of her head (the shoe hit the wall with a very satisfying thump) I think she understood the message. She left the room, and I went back to my computer nightmare.
Later that evening, she came to me, unbidden, and apologized.
I noticed she checked to see if I was wearing shoes first.
Namaste.
Technorati Profile